Well, It hit the last straw just recently when I went to buy some batteries. The invoice I was forced to sign seemed to have more room on it for the small print than for the useful information. Therefore, I have decided to add my own personal little "Terms And Conditions" clause for any person or company choosing to do business with me, my immediate family, or my company. Most of these terms are almost verbatim from paperwork I've had to sign so I imagine they are as legal as the originals. I have took the liberty to embellish a bit here and there as well as to skew everything back into my favor. Deal with it.
By the way, I am not kidding here.
- Concerning the new Facebook policies/guidelines.....
Today, November 30, 2014 in response to the Facebook guidelines and under articles L.111, 112 and 113 of the code of intellectual property, I declare that my rights are attached to all my personal data, drawings, paintings, photos, texts etc... published on my profile. For commercial use of the foregoing my written consent is required at all times. By this release, I tell Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, broadcast, or to take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents. The actions mentioned above apply equally to employees, students, agents and/or other staff under the direction of Facebook. The contents of my profile includes private information. The violation of my privacy is punished by the law (UCC 1 1-308 - 308 1 - 103 and the Rome Statute).
Please see MODIFICATION OF TERMS AND CONDITIONS below if you wish to alter these terms.
- In this document, "I" means me and "me" means I. You means whoever looks at this document or does business with me (3).
Just in case you are intelligence-challenged...
YOUR PROMISE TO ME
- You agree to these Terms. You promise to do everything these Terms require of you. You will be legally bound by these Terms if you do business with me and/or take my money or intellectual property. (3).
No weaseling out here...
- I will willingly assist you in your efforts and divulge any information you legally require. I require a processing fee to offset the time, expense, and hassle of providing any information beyond what I deem appropriate. This fee is variable, very substantial, and will be determined once I figure out what information is needed. I am NOT refusing to divulge the information. I am only requiring to be financially reimbursed for this valuable information. I will not be responsible for inaccurate or false information.
I'll let you have it, but you're going to have to pay for it.
PAYMENTS TO ME
- Net 30. Late charges begin to accrue at 31 days. Unpaid late charges will be added to the next invoice. Please return one copy of this invoice with your payment. Make all checks payable to: Pafoofnik Enterprises. I may, at my discretion, accept partial payments, which will be applied to the oldest outstanding statement. No "payment in full" notation or other restrictive endorsement written on your payments will restrict my ability to collect all amounts owed to me.
PAYMENTS TO YOU
- Payments are considered sent when they are presented to the United States Post Office. I consider payments to you to be complete within 5 days of being sent. You may not hold my payment beyond that time. I will not be responsible for late charges resulting from your holding of my payment. Proof of late receipt of payment rests on you (3).
Nice try but it's up to you-all to hire enough people to do your job for you in a timely matter.
- The failure of me to insist upon the performance of any of the terms or conditions of this contract or to exercise any right hereunder shall not be deemed to be a waiver of such terms, conditions, or rights in the future, nor shall it be deemed to be a waiver of any other term, condition, or right under this contract.
You probably don't understand this term and that's OK because neither do I.
MODIFICATION OF TERMS AND CONDITIONS
- No terms or conditions other than those stated herein, and no agreement or understanding, in any way purporting to modify these terms or conditions, shall be binding on me without my written consent. Any additional or different terms in Your form are hereby deemed to be material alterations and notice of objection to them and objection of them is hereby given. This Agreement is the entire Agreement between me and you with regard to this product and supersedes any and all other communications, advertisements, or understandings with respect to the software, media disk and documentation. Any terms or conditions inconsistent with or in addition to to these terms and conditions are expressly rejected by me and shall have no force or effect (4).
I get the last say in these matters so nuts to you.
DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY
- I do not manufacture any of the products sold by me. All products sold are warranted by the original manufacturer. Except for such original manufacturer warranties, I DISCLAIM ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND WARRANTIES OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. I will not be liable for any damages of any kind arising from the use of this site or products obtained or ordered from this site, including but not limited to direct, indirect, incidental, punitive or consequential damages.
Once I'm paid, then you're on your own.
- I consider any correspondence as being received when delivered to me in person, or via letter sent certified, return receipt to my current address.
- I consider any correspondence as being delivered when I have deposited a letter at a United States Post Office.
CHANGES IN TERMS TO ME
- If I have an existing account with you or your company, you may change any of your terms with me at any time. However, you must provide me written notification of any changes and give me a positive method to reject any or all changes. If you disagree with any rejection of any new term, then you must provide me with a cost free transfer to a company that will do business with me at the original terms. Simply refusing to continue to do business with me doesn't cut it.
You're the one that decided to change things, so you should be responsible for any consequences.
HOW I MAY MODIFY THIS CONTRACT
- I may change these terms at any time. You must review these terms on a regular basis. You can find the most recent version of the contract at 'http://www.otoupal.org/DOUG_OTOUPAL_WEB/TERMS/terms.html'. The changed terms go into effect right away. If you do not agree to changes in these terms, then you must stop doing business with me by following the terms in "CHANGES IN TERMS TO ME". If you do not stop doing business with me, then your business with me will continue under the changed terms.
In other words, I can but you can't.
MY DRIVER'S LICENSE
- My Driver's License is NOT the "property of the state" and does NOT "have to be surrendered upon demand". I had to take an eye exam, give a thumbprint, and pay good money for the license. If it truly were the "property of the state" then I would not have had to pay for it. Should anyone insist that I produce my license, then I reserve to right to charge my customary $1,000.00/hr with 1 hour minimum, payable in advance.
Go pound sand, copper.
- You hereby agree that I would be irreparably damaged if these terms are not specifically enforced, and therefore you agree that I shall be entitled, without bond, other security, or proof of damages, to appropriate equitable remedies with respect to breaches of these terms, in addition to such other remedies as I may otherwise have available to me under applicable laws. In the event any litigation is brought by either party in connection with these terms, the prevailing party in such litigation shall be entitled to recover from the other party all the costs, attorneys’ fees and other expenses incurred by such prevailing party in the litigation.
In other words, I do not have to prove anything to collect everything.
- The following terms, conditions and/or restrictions regarding the jurisdiction whose laws shall govern these terms, and the venue where any claims against me shall be asserted are subject to the local laws of the country where the Product was purchased, and in the event of a conflict between these terms and such local laws, the local laws the country where we do business shall prevail. Nonetheless, these terms shall be deemed to have been made and executed in the State of Texas and any dispute arising hereunder shall be resolved in accordance with the law of the State of Texas. You agree that any claim asserted in any legal proceeding by you against me shall be commenced and maintained in any state or federal court located in the State of Texas, County of Jeff Davis, having subject matter jurisdiction with respect to the dispute between the parties.
If'n you want to hassle me, then you gotta do it on my turf.
REPORTS TO CREDIT COMPANIES
- If I am delinquent in any payment to you, I do not authorize you to report any late payment or nonpayment to credit reporting agencies. To the extent permitted by law, you will pay me any costs and fees I reasonably incur to collect amounts you owe me.
I've never been late and I never will be.
ATTORNEY FEES AND COLLECTION COSTS
- If you do not comply with your obligations of these Terms, then you agree to pay reasonable attorney's fees, expenses, and court costs I incur in order to collect my money or protect my rights (3).
- I will not pay any costs and fees you reasonably incur to collect amounts I owe you.
I've never been late and I never will be.
- In the event that any unit I purchase is found to be defective, then you must provide me with a replacement unit and a post-paid method to return the defective unit. I will authorize a reasonable credit hold on the credit card of my choosing. I require 30 days turnaround from receipt of the replacement unit to return of the defective unit.
Hey, if you sell stuff that doesn't even make the warranty then you have to pay the price.
- I refuse binding arbitration for any reason whatsoever. I DO NOT WAIVE MY RIGHT TO A JURY TRIAL. You may proceed with binding arbitration if you wish, but I will have no part of it and will not be held to any resolutions resulting from binding arbitration.
I live in the United States and will abide by the laws of this land.
- You hereby acknowledge that you have read and understand the foregoing terms and agree that the action of doing business with me is an acknowledgment of your agreement to be bound by these terms. You also acknowledge and agree that these terms are the complete and exclusive statement of the agreement between yourself and me and that these terms supersede any prior or contemporaneous agreement, either oral or written, and any other communications between yourself, and me. You also agree that the final part of a business transaction is the acceptance of payment. By accepting my payment, you agree that these terms are the final terms in effect.
You knew what you were getting yourself into when you took my money. Changing the rules somewhere else or sometime else doesn't cut it.
INABILITY TO INFORM
- Your failure to provide me with a method to inform you of these terms do not alter the fact that these terms are in effect.
The fact that your form doesn't have something as simple as a "comments" field doesn't get you off the hook.
TERMS SPECIFIC TO MICROSOFT
- Offering a license for sale at $59.95 means that the license will be sold for $59.95. You may not increase this price after I have purchased the license.
TERMS SPECIFIC TO DIRECTV
- If you require any of your equipment to be continuously connected to a telephone line, then you are entirely responsible for the cost of the telephone line.
- You may change your programming selection by notifying me. A fee may apply to such changes. I reserve the unrestricted right to change, rearrange, add or delete my payment terms if you change any of my programming selection. I reserve the right to cancel my service in whole or part if I do not accept these changes.
- The Access Cards are the exclusive property of me since I paid for them. I may do as I wish with these cards. I may not return these cards if requested to do so. You agree to waive any fee for my refusal to return the card.
- I agree to provide true and accurate information about the location of my receivers in accordance the the terms spelled out in "DIVULGING INFORMATION".
- I am liable for my equipment until I sell it. At the time of sale, I will no longer be liable for charges incurred in the use of the equipment. I will notify you of the sale when I get around to it.
- I will pay in advance all Services ordered by me and me alone. I will not be responsible for anyone else who attempts to order any Services besides myself. It is your responsibility to verify who is ordering Services in my name.
- I will not pay extra fees that tend to hide the true cost of your service. This includes, but are not limited to the following fees: Administrative Fee, Account Activation Fee, Access Card Replacement Fee, Additional TV Authorization Fee, Administrative Late Fee, Change of Service Fee, Check by Phone Fee, Deposit Fee, Order Assistance Fee, Deactivation Fee, Duplicate Statement Fee, Ledger Request Fee, Returned Payment Fee, early cancellation Fee, or any cost you incur due to unsatisfied payment.
- I will be responsible for activities that occur under my password and account only if I am the one accessing that account.
Just making sure we're on the same page here...
TERMS SPECIFIC TO EBAY - PAYPAL
- I reserve the ability to issue charge backs through my credit card company.
TERMS SPECIFIC TO FINA
- Just as you "may choose to not honor (my) Right to Cancel", I choose to not honor your changes to my account. If you chose to close my account, then you will need to follow the procedure outlined in "CHANGES IN TERMS TO ME" of this agreement.
- I do not agree to waive my right to trial by jury. Please see "BINDING ARBITRATION" of this agreement.
- You will be charged a fee for any correspondence you wish me to send to you.
- I do not agree to monitoring or recording of my telephone communications.
- HalfLife2 EULA
- Directv Customer Agreement at http://www.directv.com/DTVAPP/learn/CustomerAgreement.jsp
- World Financial Network National bank.
- MTD Invoice.
- World Financial Network National Bank. (FINA)